Where is it? Where does my final level take me? Is it some shitty apartment in uptown Tampa? Is it living in my parents apartment paying them rent from my 30K a year salary? Or does it take me to a nice apartment living in the heart of San Diego with my future wife driving a car to my job at a local scottrade helping people make money? From this seat, I really just dont know. Like, holy shit I need wards because I got nothing. Just the whole series of events starting from the January of 2010 has been so unfortunate in terms of the big picture. Its had its ups and downs, but its been a constant decline. The whole deal with Andrea, my ridiculously failing grades, my second life, the loss of my Celica, the switching majors, and last but not least, the final breakup, have all just left me a shattered pile of what used to be respectable, successful as fuck, and pretty damn good looking. Luckily some other people still kinda see that. When I look in the mirror, I see none of those. Instead, I see a pitiful excuse for a 20-year-old who can barely handle bad situations, and gets way too excited in good ones that it turns out bad anyway. I see someone who clings to the past because he longs for a time when he respected himself. I see someone who just hates who he's become and doesn't know what kind of chocolate to buy himself to try and apologize. I don't expect anyone to ever read this, nor do I want them to, but I just don't feel like burdening anyone else withe the story of my failure. Its also the only thing keeping me from just giving up altogether. After hearing for the 3rd time this year how I'm making my Mother want to stop living, I just cant stand to see myself because I see someone who has disappointed everyone who has counted on him. If I could just have one visit where everything is happy and no tears are shed, I would easily give my meals for a week for it. I just can't stand coming here, knowing what I know, and being too scared to tell anyone about it because of how disappointing it will be. I just want to prove myself to them. That's all I want to do well in school for. When I ask myself what I want to get out of school, I think of a job, a degree, a couple good friends, a couple more good memories, and just for my parents to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. Just for them to be happy. As for the future, all I can do is strap on my metaphorical helmet, reload my educational rifle, and just go drop some tests. Hopefully as soon as possible, I can get some guidance from my big brother and jonothon. Theyre a lot wiser than me, and they can handle adversity a lot stronger than myself. If theres anyone who I really can trust, its them. I would love to go and talk to someone closer to me, but alas, I have no one at the moment. I'm even apprehensive about telling Eric. I would love if he could transfer with me, but chances are incredibly slim. God I feel so much better now that I've actually said this to someone. Thank you, Internet. You will always be my best listener.
Love,
Rockt.
